I went from being an A/B student who teachers always seemed to like, being in a leadership position in my campus' queer and feminist communities, having so so so many friends and having a lovely time going out on the town at night and studying into the early morning. I was in my element: successful in school, surrounded my like-minded people, free to do what I wanted and not having to report to anyone but my conscience.
Now I live in a Seattle suburb without a car, too far to walk anywhere except to farms. Or the woods. My mom drives me crazy and I keep begging begging for some sort of validation, some sort of sign that I Am Okay. I look for jobs but can't find anything. I mostly stay in my room all day, eating one meal a day, hooked up to my computer with music blasting in my ears, feeling sorry for myself.
I guess this is all motivation to DO SOMETHING. I've been weaning myself off of Zoloft, which seems to make my interest in life come back. Slowly. I'm looking into Grad school, partly because I don't know what to do with my life, but also because I miss having a purpose, having something I am working toward. I want to run away to an entirely new place and study something interesting. Meet new people. Reboot.
I'm not sure what to do in the meantime. Obviously, I need to work out the car situation so I can actually LEAVE the house and go into Seattle. I need to submit my final projects so I will have my BA - which I am doing on Wednesday. I need new friends. I need work. I need..
What do I do? Everyone keeps telling me to take baby steps, but I want to dive right in. I want change. Because I hate being that girl who cries all of the time is is just, in general, annoying as fuck. The one searching for love, because that always results in feeling rejected.
Who needs love,
When there's Law and Order?
And who needs love,
When there's Southern Comfort?
And who needs love,
When the sandwiches are wicked and they know you at the Mac Store?
~ Amanda Palmer, Leeds United