I think the thing that I hate most about being home is the way I feel so.. silenced, I guess. It's almost as if anything I say really has no meaning, no reason to be considered. Frequently I'll be cut off midsentence, or I'll say something only to hear crickets chirping in reply. & it can't be that I am THAT boring of a person.
I get shut down a lot, too. If I mention a new idea I have, or if I want to talk about something I want to do or a job I'm interested in, I always feel like I'm being told to shut up. And god, imagine if I claimed to be smart or successful in their company - who do I think I am?
My brother gets his ass kissed for reading Harry Potter, but my mother didn't even tell me congrats at my Fairhaven graduation ceremony. No "I'm so proud of you!" no card with inspirational message, no store-bought cake.
I just want to feel validated. I just want to feel like my family thinks I'm a responsible person, someone they are proud to know. But it seems like I can't do anything to win them over.
And it's not like I can talk to them about our fucked family dynamic. I tried talking to my mom about having an eating disorder, and she turned it around. "No, YOU always wanted to be skinny!" Well no shit, mom. I was a teenager. You could have told me that I was beautiful at any size instead of buying me slim fast and making me eat off the small plates. And you were the nicest to me when I was 20 pounds lighter than I am now.
I am so frustrated.