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i am a giant

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well that sucked [30 Jul 2010|12:04am]
note to self:

emotional maturity

deal with
ready, set, go.
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[26 May 2010|11:28pm]
I've been in suburban exile for seven months now, and finally I'm making my escape!
In about a week I'll be moving to a cute little house in Seattle's university district. The house has a garden, a black kitty, a purple door, and a green painted room to call my own. I'll live there for three months before moving -again! My next move will be about nine blocks away, in a house provided through my new job.

Starting in September I will be working at a homeless shelter through AmeriCorps / a Quaker internship program. I'll be living with six other interns in the house, doing that hippie communal living thing. We're given bus passes, a shared food budget, a private room, a tiny stipend, and basic health care. And a full-time job, of course. I'm stoked.

Mostly I'm excited about living the way that I want to live, again. My parents have a lifestyle drastically different than anything I'd ever want for myself: a house with multiple spaces/rooms that go unused, residing 15 minutes from town, eating primarily processed food with astronomical sodium contents and nothing green in sight. The television is on all of the time.

Call me a hippie, but I can't wait for a greener, healthier life. Eating quinoa and fresh vegetables and fruit daily, walking, biking, or busing to any and everything I could possibly need, growing some of my own food, hanging my clothes in the sun to dry, meeting friends for game nights and potlucks and coffee, and just generally simplifying my life.

Yeah, I am a hippie. But I'll be a happy, independent hippie. Soon.
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[19 Mar 2010|11:04pm]
I'm looking forward to the day when her's is no longer the only body that ever felt any good next to mine.

I look forward to the day that I have enough respect for myself not to let her back into my bed again - and to the day I no longer want to be in her's.

I'm looking forward to the day that I walk chin up again, a bit of a strut in my step.

I'm looking forward to the day when I smile and say, "I fucking love my life," and I mean it.

I'm looking forward to the day that I write poems again.

I'm looking forward to the day that I discover my confidence. The kind of confidence that stays, that carries me forward.

I'm looking forward to the day that I'm no longer too afraid to leave this place. The day I can no longer bring myself to stay.

I look forward to the day my new life starts. I'm saving my cash and I'm counting the days.
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[06 Mar 2010|12:05am]
Why can't death be embraced?
Why can't I choose when I die, and not worry about those I left behind - the people who will be hurt, or angry?

People always say that those who commit suicide are selfish, not thinking of the impact their death will have on others. Does it have to be that way?

Why can't I have a dinner party, say wonderful things to those I love, and at the end of the night, peacefully leave as if going on a long vacation. Who says I have to be here for 60, 70, 80+ years? Why can't 23 years be enough?

Not that I have the balls for it, anyway.

I am so heartbroken. So, so heartbroken. And the thought of doing this for much longer, living this life? No. I can't do that.

I suppose there isn't anything to do about it, though, so I console myself with this: I don't have die; I'm already dead.
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This is me feeling sorry for myself. [12 Feb 2010|10:16pm]
I need to build a new life for myself.

My life is over. My life as a student at WWU, as a LGBT program coordinator, as a young gay college girl: over. Melissa and I are so, so over, despite December's little mishap. And Amber, my best friend, is gone because her life is even more chaotic and heartbreaking than mine.

I hate that the life I loved only exists inside my head, in little snippets of memory. Jenny and I at the 'Shoe, stoned and drunk and I was coming out to her and she held me and said, me too, girl. Me too. Melissa and the passion that used to ignite between us. Days spent in her bed in long Bellingham winters. The pride I felt, the way I walked upright from class to class, feeling like I was someone. So self-important, my little job that made me feel so empowered. Directed. Free. The girl who studied theory and history and crushed on her lesbian professor(s). Walking in the crisp morning from the house on Iron Street to buy coffee or bagels, or walking on summer days through downtown. Caitlin and I as new Fairhaven students, going to poetry nights and salsa dancing and feeling like the world was so so full of possibility.

That life is over.

& now I'm here. I'm 23 years old and live with my parents in a rural area. I work at fucking Auntie Anne's Pretzels at a mall.

So much for all of those possibilities.

I hope I'm not one of those people who never gets over their college years, the best years of their lives. Those two years were the best years of my life so far.

Please tell me I will feel joy again. Feel empowered, feel directed, feel free. That I will remember, someday, who it is that I am. Because right now, I don't remember.
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Mission: Getting the Hell Out of Auburn [07 Dec 2009|02:12pm]
Phase 1:
- Attain Bachelor of Arts degree from Western Washington University
Status: Pending; 99% Complete.

Phase 2:
- Procure a legal document for driving a motorized vehicle in Washington state
Status: In Progress

Phase 3:
- Secure full or part-time employment
Status: Searching

Phase 3.5:
- Study for GRE
Status: Pending

Phase 4:
- Relocation of personal items and self to a domicile outside of Auburn city limits
Status: On Hold

Phase 5:
- Secure new employment which allows for use of Bachelors Degree and/or apply and get into a Ph.D program
Status: Unavailable at this time.
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who needs love? [01 Dec 2009|01:17am]
My life has gone to utter shit.
I went from being an A/B student who teachers always seemed to like, being in a leadership position in my campus' queer and feminist communities, having so so so many friends and having a lovely time going out on the town at night and studying into the early morning. I was in my element: successful in school, surrounded my like-minded people, free to do what I wanted and not having to report to anyone but my conscience.

Now I live in a Seattle suburb without a car, too far to walk anywhere except to farms. Or the woods. My mom drives me crazy and I keep begging begging for some sort of validation, some sort of sign that I Am Okay. I look for jobs but can't find anything. I mostly stay in my room all day, eating one meal a day, hooked up to my computer with music blasting in my ears, feeling sorry for myself.

I guess this is all motivation to DO SOMETHING. I've been weaning myself off of Zoloft, which seems to make my interest in life come back. Slowly. I'm looking into Grad school, partly because I don't know what to do with my life, but also because I miss having a purpose, having something I am working toward. I want to run away to an entirely new place and study something interesting. Meet new people. Reboot.

I'm not sure what to do in the meantime. Obviously, I need to work out the car situation so I can actually LEAVE the house and go into Seattle. I need to submit my final projects so I will have my BA - which I am doing on Wednesday. I need new friends. I need work. I need..

What do I do? Everyone keeps telling me to take baby steps, but I want to dive right in. I want change. Because I hate being that girl who cries all of the time is is just, in general, annoying as fuck. The one searching for love, because that always results in feeling rejected.

Who needs love,
When there's Law and Order?
And who needs love,
When there's Southern Comfort?
And who needs love,
When the sandwiches are wicked and they know you at the Mac Store?

~ Amanda Palmer, Leeds United
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[29 Nov 2009|01:34am]
I have no one to talk to anymore. I wish I did. I wish everything were different.

I'm trying so so hard to be this person that I'm not. Or maybe I just don't know who I want to be. Taishi in Japan and I'm supposedly going to see him in May, but I just don't know. Can I do that? I love him. But is it enough? There must be something wrong, because tonight I was on the phone with a girl for hours. Dirty talking with a girl. Goddamnit, self.
The other day my friend Elizabeth said, "Yeah, you love him. But are you *attracted* to him?" I guess at 23 I still don't know the difference.

I'm taking myself off of Zoloft. It's not like it stops me from crying all of the time and maybe if I get off of it, I'll *feel* enough to start changing my life.

I know what I want. And knowing it makes me cry, knowing how much of disappointment I am to my family. I'm trying, trying trying trying so hard to be like them. I'm trying to be someone they like, someone similar.

I still want that apartment in the city. I still want to be a radical queer feminist activist type, going to protests or fighting that never-ending fight. I still want a job I love most of the time, something challenging and interesting and where I can use my degree. I still want that partner I always used to talk about. She's still a woman.

Fuck you, Mia. Fuck you. Why can't you just be the person I'm telling you to be?
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[17 Oct 2009|09:29pm]
I'm so lonely, so confused, so lost, so...
I don't have a passion for anything right now. I can't bring myself to really care. 

Someone tell me what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go from here. 
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[22 Sep 2009|02:58am]
My mother hasn't talked to me since our ridiculous spat at the train station. She didn't call me on my birthday.

Why does she hate me so much? What is this about? I don't know what to do. She used to be my bestfriend. We used to be so close.

But now all she ever says are passive aggressive things about me. I can't do anything right. Never straight enough, never feminine enough, never traditional enough. Never anything. What am I supposed to be? Who am I supposed to be? I can't do it right, I can't make her proud. What does she want from me?

What did I do?
I want to be loved. I want a mother's love.

I can't ask her. My mom doesn't work that way. We can't have rational conversations. I don't understand her brain. She twists my words, she makes me out to be the bad guy.

I'm so lonely and so lost and I just want some unconditional love.
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[19 Sep 2009|01:47am]
For the last two days I've been dreaming about Erik a lot.

In one dream I ran into him accidentally in a coffee shop, and took a long look at him. I was reminded of how good natured and kind he was, of how honest and giving. I sat across from him and realized that I missed him.

Today's dream was different. We were actually together. We had somehow gotten back together, and I was filled with that euphoric feeling that only dreams can give you. We were at some sort of gathering, and I was pinning rainbow pride ribbons to crosses while he talked about being inclusive in church (In real life, he's going to seminary.)

Anyway. He proposed to me 4 years ago today. And tonight I cried. I always cry. I don't know why.

Sometimes I wish I had never let him go.
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[16 Sep 2009|11:46pm]
I want to be happy. I'm not.
All I ever wanted was an education and now that I have it, I'm not sure what to do. What do I dream of now? Where do I find my self esteem? What makes me proud, inspired, alive?

I need a job and I can't seem to find anything here. Where does one work when they love love love event planning or working with LGBT groups or women? I like administrative work as well. Writing grants and all that would be cool. Where do I go? How do I do this?

I'm thinking of just trying to get an Americorps position doing something. Anything. Anywhere. I just need to feel alive again.

School made me feel accomplished. I was good at school. I was good at learning and thinking and creating. I felt important, loved, smart. And now.. I just feel lost.
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I know this is whiny, bear with me [10 Sep 2009|01:31pm]
My family is so strange.

I think the thing that I hate most about being home is the way I feel so.. silenced, I guess. It's almost as if anything I say really has no meaning, no reason to be considered. Frequently I'll be cut off midsentence, or I'll say something only to hear crickets chirping in reply. & it can't be that I am THAT boring of a person.

I get shut down a lot, too. If I mention a new idea I have, or if I want to talk about something I want to do or a job I'm interested in, I always feel like I'm being told to shut up. And god, imagine if I claimed to be smart or successful in their company - who do I think I am?

My brother gets his ass kissed for reading Harry Potter, but my mother didn't even tell me congrats at my Fairhaven graduation ceremony. No "I'm so proud of you!" no card with inspirational message, no store-bought cake.

I just want to feel validated. I just want to feel like my family thinks I'm a responsible person, someone they are proud to know. But it seems like I can't do anything to win them over.

And it's not like I can talk to them about our fucked family dynamic. I tried talking to my mom about having an eating disorder, and she turned it around. "No, YOU always wanted to be skinny!" Well no shit, mom. I was a teenager. You could have told me that I was beautiful at any size instead of buying me slim fast and making me eat off the small plates. And you were the nicest to me when I was 20 pounds lighter than I am now.

I am so frustrated.

End rant.
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[08 Sep 2009|07:01pm]
I have one of these: http://twitter.com/sapphirefires
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[08 Sep 2009|02:57pm]

the last two things i really need to keep in mind.
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oh so domestic [07 Sep 2009|06:32pm]
When I was 19 and engaged I put together a hope chest. Inside it contained all of the things I thought I'd need for when Erik and I moved somewhere together. Today, however, it is four years later, and I'm not engaged or anything close to it; I'm a 23 year old dyke grrl looking to move into her own studio in Seattle.

I went shopping at Goodwill's Labor Day sale, as well as dug through the things my mom never uses, and now I have almost enough things for my own place and to start my new life. I'm taking inventory:

- full set of pots and pans
- basic cooking utensils
- drinking glasses
- salt and pepper shakers
- set of yellow and gold tupperware canisters from 1985. Thanks, Mom.
- spoon rest
- small wooden table for 2 people, plus table cloth. I need to scrounge up a pair of chairs.
- coffee mugs x3
- strainer
- 20pc stainless steel silverware set
- one large green mixing bowl

- toothbrush holder
- fancy jar for cotton wool/q-tips
- towels and washcloths

- full size bed and linens

- small television
- dvd player
- very comfortable and snazzy chair

- white 1993 Dodge Shadow
- water and food dish for Future Cat

My only rule for putting together my own place is that I purchase nothing new. I'm willing to take unused things from family members, visit thrift stores, and salvage from sidewalk free piles, but I want everything to be second hand so that I'm re-using things that others did not want. I like that idea.
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[07 Sep 2009|12:36am]
"I got my heart broken!" I announced today, contributing to the talk of what was new with us all. I explained what had happened while my dad sipped a German beer and my mom busied herself unloading the dishwasher.
"By a cat?" my dad asks, assuming I met something furry that I couldn't have. This is not unusual for me.
"No, by a Jami," I say.
"Yeah, I hear that it's a crazy dating scene," my dad says, shaking his head.
"Seattle girls just don't have any taste," I say decisively. Or maybe I just sound bitter. My dad squeezes me to him and tells me that there are, of course, plenty of fish in the sea. "I love you!" he assures me, and I force a smile and hug him back.
My mom is banging plates when she mumbles that maybe I just shouldn't date at all. I know what she means, of course, and I pretend I didn't hear.
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[30 Aug 2009|05:07pm]
I don't know why I'm so upset over Jami rejecting me. Sure, we've been e-mailing since March and the two dates we went on were the best I've ever had. Sure, I thought she was absolutely adorable and interesting and funny and I felt these sparks in a way I haven't felt in years. Sure. But still.

I'm just so hurt and all I have is myself to blame. I'm not sure why it stings - because I date people who like me, not usually the other way around, and thus never get rejected? Because got ridiculously smitten ridiculously fast?

But I'm just so hurt over it. Fuck this. I wish I had never gone to Seattle to meet her. I wish she had never said sweet things or held my hand or kissed me or said she'd like to see me or.. anything. I wish I never had sparks because I didn't know what I was missing. Fuck.

But really I just wish she'd call me and say she's sorry she pushed me away because of all the stress. I wish she'd say she has a free weekend coming up and ask if maybe I'd like to see her. I wish she would. But she won't.
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[23 Aug 2009|07:24pm]
I have a feeling that I'm really just breaking my own heart here.
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[22 Aug 2009|10:52pm]
Why does she live 80 miles away? I'd really love to hold her hand right now. Siiigh.
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